Have you ever felt like shit? Either because of a life event (breakup, death) or because you feel bored and/or alone? Then you reach for it. Your drug of choice. For some it is shopping, alcohol, drugs, dating, or food. At one point for me it was all of them.

I ate like shit, so I felt and looked like shit. Which made me sad and depressed, which then caused me to self isolate. In that isolation came more feelings of boredom and loneliness but at least I was free to delve even deeper into my bad habits. Which would cause a deeper depression and so the cycle continued.

One day I reached a total of 391 pounds my heaviest ever. I was totally in debt and drowning in stuff I didn’t need. I had created my own prison and the kicker is that I had PAID for it. My feet were constantly swollen, I was always tired and moving was a struggle. Smoking weed, binge eating, and shopping online didn’t give me that rush of endorphins anymore. I was at a standstill. I had suppressed years of sorrow and pain by using my drugs of choice but even they no longer worked.

I’d love to be able to share that I kicked the bad habits and lost the weight in no time. But I remained at that weight range for many months after that realization (and I am still working on it to this day). I always chose the easy way and the easy way was to smoke, eat, and shop. Everything continued this way for a while. Until I literally got sick and tired of being sick, broke, and tired. The answer was not more. It was less. Less of the things that were not meant for me and more of the things that were. Too often we focus on the cause and not the root of the problem. Until we get to the root of the issue, we can’t begin to course correct and heal. That is the key. We need to get real deep and real clear on why we do what we do.

My root cause has always been loneliness. As a teenager I didn’t have many friends and I was often alone. Then into adulthood, I had been able to escape into work and a busy social life when my brother and father passed away. But then during COVID those escapes didn’t work anymore. Then in 2021 I moved back to the small town I grew up to take care of my sick mother. She had dementia and heart failure and the final months were brutal. In 2022 she passed and I spent the next year drowning my sorrows in my dugs of choice. Then I started to get angry. At everyone and everything. Why was everything so HARD FOR ME. Why couldn’t I just get it together?! Why did everyone leave me alone. Why did the man I love not love me back? I was, to say the least, in a spiral. Until one morning in the peace and quiet of the sunrise the realization that I never chose myself became crystal clear. I spent my life avoiding being with myself. And I don’t mean being single or alone on a Friday night. I mean learning to be ok ALONE with myself. Loving myself enough to enjoy my own company. When I was younger I was so focused on finding ways to be popular and cool that I lost sight of who I really was. Then into adulthood I became obsessed with achieving success at work. If I was a Director then I would have achieved success which meant that my life was not a failure. When I dated I gave it ALL away so fast. I just wanted to be loved. To fill the void inside me. I spent years out running the grief I felt for my family. I spent MONEY making sure I was busy or high or occupied because sitting alone with my thoughts was impossible.

Then I did it. I sat, alone, and let all the feelings smash into me. And I kept doing it. Over and over until the feelings and emotions didn’t feel quite so painful. I cried, screamed, journaled, meditated and then I realized I was still here. It didn’t break me. I was strong enough to face anything just as I am.

I also got professional help and medication to help me in my healing and self love journey. But that first step was me finally understanding and accepting that I can handle anything. I don’t need anyone else. I am already whole.

And that realization was the game change that propelled forward a new life for me.

T.